I really want to listen to "Heroin" by the Velvet Underground right now, but I have no idea where the CD is.

My CD collection was the last thing I really took care of after I let everything else go to shit.

Eventually, I let my CD collection go to shit too.

This happened sometime after "20". The day I turned 20 I was listening to the Green Day song "16" and thinking how fucked up it was that I was 20, and that my life would probably be over soon.

I don't dream about anything anymore, and that's scary.

The last dream was "be in a band." I held on to that one like a motherfucker, because I knew it was the last one and if I let it go, something horrible would happen.

Somehow it slipped away. Now there's nothing.

There's just this void.

I'm still waiting on the "something horrible."

My life has become a pursuit of avoiding discomfort, since now I have no dream to work towards. Not that I ever really worked towards any dreams.

...Buying video games

Not going out...

...Quitting smoking

Hardly drinking...

...What's next? Eating healthy? Working out? Subscribing to magazines about the male 20-something lifestyle?

I was in the mall, and I felt invisible, and I liked it very very much. I just glided around, looking for a console hockey game, and watching everyone around me.

There's a kid who has somehow attached a plastic shark to his face. Like a remora.

Irony.

A woman with a huge ass walks by. She has three young children with her. I assume they are each nine months apart in age. Baby machine. Her last dream, to manufacture babies?

There's a black man in line in front of me at Hunan Wok. He's talking to the Asian girl behind the counter like she's a child. He's trying to use simple terms to describe what he wants, like when my brother explains to Aimee what's happening in a football game. Patronizing tone? Condescending? With a touch of maliciousness. More people mistreating each other.

I briefly recall getting very angry a long time ago, when some jocks and a girl were giving an Indian cashier at Wendy's shit because he was foreign. I wasn't angry because they were making him feel bad, I was angry at them because of the kind of people they were.

At work today, I became convinced that Jock Guy and Hot Blonde New Yawk Bimbo left for a quickie in the parking lot, when she suggested they go out for a "breath of fresh air".

Jock guy has a girlfriend.

I used to work with his girlfriend.

I don't really like her very much, and therefore don't care.

Lately, I've been having mood swings. Which is odd for me. I've usually been either consistently miserable or consistently ok, but now I find myself becoming suddenly upset at times.

And it's not the old kind of bottomless despair.

There's this anger to it now where I want to hit something.

Of course, my Golden Rule is to not take my shit out on other people, so I just bottle it up.

January 26th = Psychologist/Psychiatrist.

Turn me into a happy, bouncing animation.